Thinking

Just wondering if I want to start this up again. I have been doing my best to just not think about things and just live the way that I am.  I still don't like me much but if I fill my mind with other stuff then I don't have to deal with reality. I try to avoid the mirror at all cost then I don't have to see the real me. I just imagine me the way I want to be it does work "sometime". Sorry for dropping out but sometimes that is all you can do.

Busy

I have been busy the last few days getting ready for new carpet in the house and a trip to Pigeon Forge. I have been working on drinking less soda and more water. I know I didn't get this way overnite so I don't know why I think it can be changed overnite. I want to thank my new friend Dawn for keeping in touch with me and giving me support and advice. I need it. When I read her blog and e-mails I feel motivated and I see that I'm not to far gone and if I stick to my guns and set some rules for myself I will be able to get this right this time. And I also see that it's ok to fall off the wagon sometimes just as long as I get up and get back on it:) Happy Thanksgiving Blog World♥

Still here

I am still here. I have requested some info from a local Tops chapter and I have been getting support from a friend through e-mail (TY). I have also asked my mother-inlaw to join tops with me. I think she is going to. Right now my goal is to drink more water and continue to de-clutter my life. I may also start doing a walk away the pounds video that I have had for years. I actually used to to that video everyday at my old job on my break. I liked it. I'm also starting to keep track of my calories.

Got the blahs

Yesterday morning I was in a great mood I started cleaning my office and was getting things done and when people asked me how I was I said actually for a Monday I feel really good. And then all of a sudden the good feelings went away and I felt sad and depressed so much so that I went to bed at 8:00 last night and I still feel the same today. Sad, fat and depressed. I wish I had a button that I could push in my brain and I would feel good all the time. I feel like a failure at everything I do or try to do. How do people get to that place where they are determined to do something and stay there. It's like I have no gumption I want to get healthy. I want to be a mother that my daughter can be proud of. I want those things badly. Or do I?? It seems to me that I since I want it so bad I should be able to accomplish it but I never do. Is there something wrong in my brain that makes me sabotage myself. Sometimes I am eating and drinking soda and I feel like I'm on auto pilot. Like I'm just doing it to be doing it like eating candy out of that dang candy bowl. I know what I need to do and I know that only I can do it so why don't I just do it. It sounds easy but it's not. I think I just really hate myself. I must because if I didn't I would get it right.

Part 2

When I changed schools I thought here know one knows me so maybe I will fit in. I did have more friends but the same old picking and name calling continued. I did have a best friend at my new school she was a really thin girl. It's funny how that works out. Sometimes I felt like I was trying to live my life through her. I would talk to boys for her and I when her birthday or christmas came around I would buy her clothes that I really liked that they didn't make in my size. I did make it through high school. I had no dates and no boyfriends. But I did make some really good friends I just wish they were still in my life. After high school I married the first man that paid any attention to me. Boy what a mistake. He didn't like to work so I was the only one supporting us. My father hated him. I remember saying "but daddy it's the nineties he can stay home while i work" STUPID!!! Yes I was. Come to find out while I was working my ass off he was screwing other women in my bed. So finally that came to an end after being with him for five years. At this time in my life I actually slimmed down a little and came out of my shell. I finally got to where I would hold my head up. I really think it was the anti-depressants.  Until next time:)

The Beginning

I guess I started putting on weight in the third grade at least that is what the pictures show. I was always picked on in school either for being fat or being poor. I hated to go to school and I missed alot of days pretending to be sick. The funny thing is I never told my parents what was going on. They were clueless. At school I would try to pretend I was something that I wasn't for example my cousins would go places and tell me about them and I would go to school and say that I had gone to these places and done theses things. And at home I would say that I had lots of friends and pretend like I was part of the crowd. So I really feel like most of my life was a great big game of pretending. It even went as far as when I got older I pretended I had boyfriends which I really didn't. My parents were very over protective of me as far as letting me do things such as going to dances or having sleep overs. I know for a fact that from 1st grade-9th grade I only spent the night with one girl from my school. So maybe that is the reason that I'm good at pretending to be happy when really I'm not I had alot of practice. I never had any self confidence. When I would have to get up in front of the class I would keep my head down. I had a very difficult time making eye contact with anyone. Also from 1st grade to 9th grade I went to school with the same set of kids. That would change come 10th grade and I thought my life would change also. Some parts did and some parts didn't.

Back to Work

Back to work today. Still feel bad the left side of my face is under pressure..But I have to be here I have used half of my sick days for the year already. We have our first parent teacher conference on Thursday. My daughter is four and just started pre-school she actually goes to a real Elementary School and rides the bus and the whole nine yards..So It's like she started school a year early. Still don't feel like eating much. I am trying to drink water and OJ. I guess I will try to start writing somemore about me and my life and what got me here to begin with. So with my next post I will start telling my story.